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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Bullshit!

Easily one of my favourite shows. Penn & Teller essentially attack everything and anything, pointing out why it's bullshit.

They're completely open about their bias, and they've said their last episode will be calling their own show Bullshit.

Some of the stuff they attack is hilarious. They've been accused of not actually arguing with people, just demonstrating their stupidity by letting them talk...

..how does that not disprove what they're saying? Some of these people are fucking ridiculous!

-Why not?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Top 5 Most Badass TV Characters

5. Spartacus (Andy Whitfield) - Spartacus: Blood and Sand

"I would kill them all."

4. Tommy Gavin (Denis Leary) - Rescue Me

"You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together. I've been in the middle of shit that would make you piss your pants right now. Uptown, downtown, Harlem, Brooklyn. But there ain't no medals on my chest, assholes, 'cause I ain't no hero. I'm a fireman. We're not in the business of making heroes here. We're in the business of discovering cowards, 'cause that's what you are if you can't take the heat. You're a pussy, and there ain't no room for pussies in the FDNY."

3. John Winchester (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) - Supernatural

"I got there just in time to see the girl take the swan dive. She was the bad guy, right?"

2. Mal Reynolds (Nathan Fillian) - Firefly

"You don't know me, son, so let me put this to you plainly: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me. And you'll be armed."

1. Christopher Chance (Mark Valley) - Human Target

"I work with a cover, blend in to the background, let you appear vulnerable so the threat reveals itself and then eliminate the threat."

-Why not?

Top 5 Movies With Morgan Freeman

5. Wanted

"You're a waste of my fuckin' time! Why are you here?"


4. Brubaker

"Then how come you look like a scumbag?"


3. The Shawshank Redemption

"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."


2. Se7en

"Well, in any major city, minding your own business is a science. First thing they teach women in rape prevention is never cry for help. Always yell "fire". Nobody answers to "help". You holler "fire", they come running."


1. Lucky Number Slevin

"Hey Slim, you know this cat? Slim? I'm sorry, it's no use. Ever since somebody shot him ol' Slim's gone deaf.

-Why not?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pepsi vs. Coke

The soft drink industry is possibly my favourite industry to observe, because of the extreme level of competition these two brands put each other through.

Coca-cola can't do anything with Pepsi attempting to 1up, and of course vice versa.

There are smaller companies always nipping at their heels, but it's unlikely any will ever gain a real foothold. Jones Soda, for example, will always have a niche market because of its incredibly unique flavours, and the use of cane sugar, but it's not a competitor.

It's an excellent symbol of competition in a free market; neither company ever tends to have a large advantage, they constantly push each other to create new products and attract more customers... it's beautiful.

And delicious.

-Why not?

Let's be Honest

Nobody will ever read this

I'm just doing this to rant, and to get my stock price up on empire avenue.

Blogs are retarded, and I have nothing to say.

Who the fuck am I? What the fuck do I know?





Oh wait. I'm Roark, and I know fucking everything.

Jackass.

-Why not?

The Cell Phone Telephone Industry

Biggest bunch of assholes on the planet.

Someone please invent something cooler and send these fucking pricks packing.

Their warranties cover nothing, the service they offer is so god damn below par it's ridiculous, and we just grin and bear it because we have nothing else to choose.

The whole mobile industry needs to be revolutionised, get these shitty old companies out of the running and bring in a product that isn't raping people up the ass every time they use it.

The obvious comparison here is the airline industry, as made fun of in the South Park episode where Mr. Garrison builds a vehicle that rapes you while you drive it, but it is still preferable to taking a plane.

Fuck you, cell phone telephones.

-Why not?

Hitting on Girls

It has to be a science. It's communications. It's sociology. A social science.

There must be a way to break it down.

I don't care how nerdy that sounds, people who refer to it as an art are just wrong.

Being charming is just logic. Everything is just logic.

I need to find the connection.. and then every girl will be mine.

I've been doing logic problems since I learned to speak.

-Why not?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

#3

She can't smoke weed.

It's not that weed itself bugs me much, I'll even partake once in a while.

It's stoner culture that I can't stand. The whole glorification of lazy ambivalence is completely anathema to my philosophy. To be with someone whose goal in life is to get a sweet basement apartment and buy a vaporizer would be like acid in my brain.

I don't even understand how it started. I know people who smoke weed regularly who are still completely capable of ambition. I think it's just lazy people smoking weed and using it as a justification for their lack of motivation.

In short, she must not be a stoner.

-Why not?

Definitions

Classkank: (noun)

1. A woman who, in an attempt to be classy, sleeps with wealthy men, spends excessive amounts of money on lingerie, and is generally useless in every aspect except sex. Believes herself to be upper-class because of who she is with, but is really just a whore.

"I tried to take this girl home, but she saw my messy place and just took off. Saw her blowing some guy in his Beemer the other day. What a classkank."


Datefuck: (verb)

1. Dating someone purely for sexual reasons.

"That chick asked me out. I think I might datefuck her, she's a total bitch."

-Why not?

#2

She must be shorter than 5'8. I like petite girls. Yes, I'm shallow.

-Why not?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Nude Hot Tubbing

Not all that great.

Would have been better watching two naked girls make-out in the hot tub if one wasn't overweight and latino. The other was hot enough.

Overall, May long weekend has taken a turn for the AWESOME.

I have a feeling tonight, Round 2, will be.. well..

LEGEN... wait for it.. DARY!

-Why not?

Friday, May 21, 2010

#1

She must be educated. Not that I'm so elitist I look down my nose at anyone not attending post-secondary, but as someone who plans to get his Ph.D in philosophy, I really would like a girl with an academic leaning.

-Why not?

Short girls

They are just the best.

On a related note, my ability to talk to people has increased exponentially (I feel like a nerd talking about character stats), and this has increased potential for me to finally actually meet somebody.

Over the next few days I will be creating a list.

A list of qualities. Qualities that a girl should or must have in order for me to be interested in anything real.

Any girl who doesn't meet these qualities will be hit on shamelessly in the hopes that it will lead to something purely physical I can enjoy remembering forever, or regret until booze makes me forget it.

Either way, I win.

-Why not?

TV on the Radio

Incredible band.

Their eclectic style keeps your interest from first track to last, constantly changing pace, mood, even completely changing genre from one song to the next.

They're creative, they're fun, they're powerful..

And best of all they've done live stuff with Trent Reznor.

Yea, they're that cool.

-Why not?

This summer

Is the summer.

I will finally open up about who, and what, I am, and be honest with everyone about it.

I've hidden my personality, dumbed myself down and held my ego in check in an effort to be accepted, and it works quite well, but it's too much work.

I need to finally show the world my intelligence, my arrogance, my interest in everything... I need to stop feigning boredom in an effort to seem numb, to seem aloof and distant, because people love aloof and distant.

They love someone they can't quite put their finger on. Someone with no real personality, who just listens and says what they want to hear.

But not anymore. No. It's not about them anymore.

Wait 'til they get a load of me.

-Why not?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

So my friend's band is playing..

His band, and three others, are playing at a local pub they've played at before. I went a couple weeks ago and it was a ton of fun. Really packed, I knew most of the people in there cause I knew two of the bands. Drunken, rowdy, good tunes. All around excellent night.

So they're doing it again in June, and I'm totally pumped.

I accept the Facebook invite, check out who's accepted as well, and see this girl. This.. old friend.

We were best friends through grade 11 and 12.. and for a while after. Then I told her I wanted to be more. She let me down with the old we-should-be-friends thing. Didn't see her for four months. Good job still being friends right?

When I finally did see her, we were kinda friends for two months or so.. not really close anymore. Friendship had obviously taken a blow. September last year, we go to a friend's birthday party. At this party, I find out she has a boyfriend.

She's had a boyfriend for eight months. Do some quick math here folks, you'll see I asked her out while she was dating someone. If she had told me she had a boyfriend, something like two months into the relationship (something you would tell someone you claim is your best friend), we would still have been friends.

Well, if not for the cocaine. Yea there's a cocaine habit too. That didn't really help with the whole friendship.

I haven't seen her since September... now I might have to see her at this show. I really, really do not want to see her. Not really.. ever again, but I'm not missing that show.

-Why not?

This just in






BOOBS ARE AWESOME

-Why not?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Where public healthcare has problems..

Personal liberties, we're told, are an important aspect of living in the Western world. The idea that we, as Canadians, are truly free to pursue anything we want is claimed to be one of the tenets of our political system, as well as our culture.

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100518/CGY_Stunting_Ball_100518/20100518?hub=CalgaryHome

Then why, as soon as somebody does something risky, do we think he should be imprisoned for putting his life at risk?

The justification many people give is that if he gets hurt, we have to foot the bill on his medical care. This justification has several problems, but I'll focus on one; why should we foot the bill on half the people who get hurt?

If some middle-aged woman doesn't know how to drive properly and gets into an accident, she's not doing anything as blatantly stupid as this young man, but she's still doing something stupid. Most people would probably sympathize with her over the stunt kid, but I don't see any reason her medical bill is better to pay than his. Most injuries are caused by stupidity in some form, barring diseases and disorders that people are doomed to get. Generally, if people are doing things intelligently, they won't get hurt.

You can't have "universal" healthcare and then pick and choose who deserves to get it based on the cause of their injuries. Either eliminate the public healthcare system, or accept that people in this country have the right to make stupid choices with their own mortality, and that the system you promote forces you to foot the bill.

Your healthcare system limits my freedom. Let me, and everyone else, be responsible for their own safety. Stop telling me what to do just because you're worried you'll have to pay the bill; I never asked you to. You took the suffering on yourself; you're nothing but a martyr.

Edit: I'd just like to add, a lot of the comments are telling this kid to grow up. Grow up, get a good normal job at a good normal company, where it's likely that one of its products or services will harm someone at some point, but none of that is your fault. Surfing on the roof of a car is way worse. Especially since nobody got hurt.

Growing up seems to involve lying, denial and abstaining from anything exciting, while reducing yourself to a safety analyst. These comments are the modern equivalent of telling those damn kids to get off your lawn. When a comment like this is made, I'm forced to assume it's mostly losers sitting on the news, hating kids who lived their childhood fully. Why? Because these sad old losers were probably boring. What do people often regret more than the things they do?

The things they don't do.

-Why not?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Really? Really?

Karla Homolka could very well be pardoned this July.

The woman who helped her husband rape and murder three women, including her own younger sister.

What the fuck?

Okay, I understand, Canada is notoriously soft on crime. The "criminals" who do very little (drug offenders) get treated pretty much as badly as the Karla Homolkas do. Where's the justice in that? What happened to the concept of the punishment fitting the crime?

A pardon means forgiveness. A clean slate. Karla Homolka could change her name legally, and anyone that meets her and any company that hires her does not have the right to know what she did.

A woman killed her own sister and 12 years later she gets to walk away like it didn't happen. No. NO. This is not right.

Someone should kill this woman.

-Why not?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Small mistakes

Went to a show last night out on an acreage outside the city. Pretty badass show, good music and lots of booze. Girl walks up to me, asks if I'm Evan. There's a girl beside her who I suddenly recognize, and when I say yea the second girl gets excited and says she knows me through a mutual (ex- for me) friend. This girl just moved back from Germany after living there for nine months, and we immediately hit it off. We talk for half an hour, and I'm really enjoying it, which is something that doesn't often happen for me. Either I get bored with strangers or I say something stupid. This time, it wasn't what I said.

I left for maybe ten seconds to throw something out, and she disappeared. The next time I saw her, she was surrounded by three guys (who obviously knew each other), and I had to leave soon. I hadn't seen this girl in a year, and when I do I screw it up.

It's pretty rare for me to actually strike out with a girl, usually I either just don't make it up to bat or I wasn't even at the game, but god dammit. This is the start of something for me though. Because of something that kept happening while we were talking.

She'd make eye contact with one of her friends, and they'd say, "So it really was him!"

This happened several times, and every time we both laughed it off and I teased her, but there's only one reason to be so excited to see a guy you barely knew before and haven't seen in a long time.. I screwed up, but for once it was something specific, not just me.

Yes


Scarlett Johansson is a BABE.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hockey, Fight Club and Erections

So Montreal's going on to the Eastern Conference final now, and they're our last chance for Canada to win the Cup. In other words, Canada didn't win the cup this year. They've played a wonderful post-season, eliminating two of the most powerful regular season teams (not to mention shutting down Ovie AND the Kid), but I don't put their chances very high. Though my opinion on this matter is pretty worthless, I just wanted to start this off with something at least a little tasteful. Now that it's done with..

Knock knock? I went to see Chuck Palahniuk speak yesterday. You know, the guy who wrote Fight Club? Yea, he's written other stuff too. Including the book Choke, which was made into a subpar film starring subpar actor Sam Rockwell (who I've heard is good in Iron Man 2, who would have thought?). Chuck is an amazing man because you can tell he simply doesn't think of himself as being so. He's very genuine, and also genuinely funny. When he wasn't taking swigs from a bottle of JD under his podium, he was throwing giant inflatable Oscar awards into the audience, giving prizes (inflatable roast turkeys) to those who filled them up fastest. I managed to catch one of these giant statuettes, and it's now sitting in my room taking up space. These antics were interspersed with incredibly frank and sincere discussions on his mother's death of cancer, his father being shot to death, and his job dealing with death when he was a young man. An incredible inspiration.

Anyway, getting back to the knock knock part, he told some hilariously off-colour jokes. One involving a hot blonde walking into the bar, only to be roofied by the bartender and fucked repeatedly by the patrons. She repeats this, ordering the same drink, until one day she walks in and orders a beer. When asked why, she replies that the other drink makes her pussy hurt. It's the kind of joke that's mostly just vulgar, but it's all in the delivery, and Palahniuk is the man to deliver. Especially when discussing veterinarians sewing each other into dead horses (a story for another time, perhaps).

Finally, why are khakis more professional than jeans? I can think of one very important reason these are the least professional pants possible; when I pop wood in khakis, it shows a hell of a lot more than if I were wearing jeans. I'm at a desk for 4 hours straight sometimes, I'm a 19 year old guy, and I get bored. My mind's gonna wander.

Just let me wear jeans.

-Why not?

Empire Avenue!

EAVB_JANLXAPLLB

Just verifying folks, nothing to see here.

-Why not?

New Blog

Hey,

It'll probably be a while before anyone starts following this. I expect there won't be a ton of attention on it, most of my friends are internet-retarded. Which I guess means they don't have desk jobs.

So just as a rundown.. I'll be posting anything I really want in here. There will be rude language and nudity, because I thoroughly enjoy both of these things. Discussions will include drinking, being bored at work, wandering the streets, local shows and more drinking.

-Why not?